I apologize for a slightly more personal Note from Xi’an, I am indulging myself as a consequence of matters of the heart dominating these holiday days.
I arrived in Beijing recently an unmarried man and although I left Beijing still an unmarried man I am now an engaged unmarried man. A moment of bended knee madness in the middle of a frozen Summer Palace lake took care of that.
It was a strange feeling even uttering the words of proposal as well as referring to my loved one as my fiancée. Does something feel different? Yes, I think it does. It is not a bad thing or a scary thing, it is most certainly a joyful thing, but there is a sense of the commitment of engagement that you don’t know about until the words are actually spoken. I can certainly understand why some people fear a kind of pressure from impending marital vows; ideas that orientate around what may seem like a restriction of choice, a lack of change and opportunity, and a clear and apparent line from the present time of youth to the onset of old age. I have myself certainly had long held reservations about the concept of marriage, let alone the act itself.
However, it is here I suppose though that marriage must simply be seen as the continuation of an existing love; with a clear awareness and acceptance on both sides of what has been experienced together, what has been experienced apart, who we are on our own terms, who we are together and that all of this is ok. And that it is very much a part of both the here-and-now and the future, and that this future is not some stagnant, pre-determined existence that gradually wears away at our souls.
I will not go so far as to say that the essence of humanity requires the co-existence of two human souls, to really allow each to ironically be itself. I will though note the beauty that exists in two people over time caring for each other, while still challenging and being challenged by each other. The trick I suppose is to maintain this duality; love and care on one side and growth and change overtime on the other.
I won’t be thought of as a young fellow on my wedding day, I am now moving steadily towards what is referred to as middle age but I won’t be worrying about that; I won’t be harking back to a past life as much as I was hankering for a future life when I was younger. There are times in more youthful days, as happen to us all, when we are not sure about where we are heading and we worry about that, but at the same time we make small steps, small efforts, follow beliefs, listen to ourselves, listen to others, find interests, reject others, move on, even hurt people we don’t mean to. We live. We can’t do much more than that. I feel somewhat blessed to be where I am today but in recognising that I also recognise how things do change and I accept that. We can’t be scared of enjoying things because we are worrying that it won’t be like this forever, as much as we can’t be put off by the rough times. It all rolls around.
Do I think this world of ours is a good one? No, not really, we could do much better than we are doing with it. Do I like living in it? Yes, I do.
Ps. Spring is on the way.
西安